3 tiers of critics

Dec 2, 2023 | 803 comments

There are 3 different types of critics.

Learn how to tell them apart, and you’ll save yourself massive amounts of trouble.

Tier 1. People who don’t like you and have no intention of taking the risk of actually relating to you

Think: behind-your-back gossipers, or people who leave nasty comments about celebs whom they have ZERO chance of meeting in person. This is a true hater, whose hating is bolstered by the convenience of extremely low accountability, and never having to confront the other’s humanity. People who feel truly whole and well in their lives do not do this. What they need to work out doesn’t involve YOU. It involves them getting a therapist.  Action step: tune them out. Send them love and healing. Protect your energy.

Tier 2. People who have feedback and THINK they’re relating to you, but are actually making demands.

Relating starts with the genuine willingness to meet the other person where they are, and understand them as they would wish to be understood. Any message where what they’re really saying is “I don’t like you or what you are doing. Please submit to to my demand for you to change or do something differently so that you can make me comfortable”, there is no relating, just an attempt to control. There is also no willingness to take responsibility for their own experience.

Action step: if they’re like, an online rando, ignore, let that shit bounce off of your force field, and move gingerly past them.

If they’re someone who is actually in your life, and maybe even close to you, or maybe even someone you love (it happens! Sometimes we do it to people we love, too!), and depending on your desire snd capacity, you may decide to hold loving space for them to “let them be” and do their thing without giving into them.

Easier said than done, I know.  

Or sometimes, you gotta cut that person out of your life. There is too much nuance for me to give blanket advice regardless of context. You gotta exercise your discernment from a place of self-love and self-respect. 

Tier 3. People who have uncomfortable feedback and come to you with the willingness to truly relate.

How you know this is the case: they are taking responsibility for their stuff. There is no dumping-and-demanding. There’s no “you made me feel/do ____ therefore you should ____.”

And there is respect, openness and possibility in the conversation, even if it is a difficult one.… and the genuine efforts to get to know you where you are, and be known for where they are.

Action step: Whenever this happens, I do everything possible to be available for what they are bringing me — even when it bruises my ego or makes me confront stuff I’d rather avoid. ESPECIALLY when, because that’s when learning and deepening happen. 

The desired conclusion is not “everyone holding hands and singing kumbaya,” but people moving closer to their respective truths, and a more authentic relationship between the two parties. Sometimes that results in “happy endings.” Not always. And that’s okay. 

(remember, this is just me sharing what I do in hopes it may help to inspire your own discernment. This is NOT a prescription for all of humanity)

Many of us try to prove or earn our worthiness by people-pleasing those in tiers 1 and 2. This is called fawning.

This is not only exhausting and unpleasant, but guaranteed to fail. You cannot earn your worthiness by performing for others’ good opinion, because (1) you do not have power over others’ thoughts, and (2) your worthiness is not dependent on what is happening inside another’s brain and nervous system. 

Your worthiness is inherent, infinite, and non-negotiable.

You are an important being that is worthy of being cherished, full stop. You are not for everyone, and you are not responsible for everyone’s comfort, full stop. 

Respect for yourself, your time, and energy is where responsible community stewardship begins. 

Knowing this deeply is how we unlock our greatest potential for accountability.

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