Learn how to tell them apart, and you’ll save yourself massive amounts of trouble.
Tier 1. People who don’t like you and have no intention of taking the risk of actually relating to you
Think: behind-your-back gossipers, or people who leave nasty comments about celebs whom they have ZERO chance of meeting in person. This is a true hater, whose hating is bolstered by the convenience of extremely low accountability, and never having to confront the other’s humanity. People who feel truly whole and well in their lives do not do this. What they need to work out doesn’t involve YOU. It involves them getting a therapist. Action step: tune them out. Send them love and healing. Protect your energy.
Tier 2. People who have feedback and THINK they’re relating to you, but are actually making demands.
Relating starts with the genuine willingness to meet the other person where they are, and understand them as they would wish to be understood. Any message where what they’re really saying is “I don’t like you or what you are doing. Please submit to to my demand for you to change or do something differently so that you can make me comfortable”, there is no relating, just an attempt to control. There is also no willingness to take responsibility for their own experience.
Action step: if they’re like, an online rando, ignore, let that shit bounce off of your force field, and move gingerly past them.
If they’re someone who is actually in your life, and maybe even close to you, or maybe even someone you love (it happens! Sometimes we do it to people we love, too!), and depending on your desire snd capacity, you may decide to hold loving space for them to “let them be” and do their thing without giving into them.
Easier said than done, I know.
Or sometimes, you gotta cut that person out of your life. There is too much nuance for me to give blanket advice regardless of context. You gotta exercise your discernment from a place of self-love and self-respect.
Tier 3. People who have uncomfortable feedback and come to you with the willingness to truly relate.
How you know this is the case: they are taking responsibility for their stuff. There is no dumping-and-demanding. There’s no “you made me feel/do ____ therefore you should ____.”
And there is respect, openness and possibility in the conversation, even if it is a difficult one.… and the genuine efforts to get to know you where you are, and be known for where they are.
Action step: Whenever this happens, I do everything possible to be available for what they are bringing me — even when it bruises my ego or makes me confront stuff I’d rather avoid. ESPECIALLY when, because that’s when learning and deepening happen.
The desired conclusion is not “everyone holding hands and singing kumbaya,” but people moving closer to their respective truths, and a more authentic relationship between the two parties. Sometimes that results in “happy endings.” Not always. And that’s okay.
(remember, this is just me sharing what I do in hopes it may help to inspire your own discernment. This is NOT a prescription for all of humanity)
Many of us try to prove or earn our worthiness by people-pleasing those in tiers 1 and 2. This is called fawning.
This is not only exhausting and unpleasant, but guaranteed to fail. You cannot earn your worthiness by performing for others’ good opinion, because (1) you do not have power over others’ thoughts, and (2) your worthiness is not dependent on what is happening inside another’s brain and nervous system.
Your worthiness is inherent, infinite, and non-negotiable.
You are an important being that is worthy of being cherished, full stop. You are not for everyone, and you are not responsible for everyone’s comfort, full stop.
Respect for yourself, your time, and energy is where responsible community stewardship begins.
Knowing this deeply is how we unlock our greatest potential for accountability.
Not segmenting my emails means everyone always gets all the emails regardless of what they’ve bought, unless it’s a course-specific email, or they’ve unsubscribed completely from marketing emails.
(1) Simplicity is my #1 priority.
I do all of my own marketing. I have zero part of it outsourced.
Because I like to. And I keep myself sane, happy and able to keep enjoying my work by keeping things as SIMPLE and LEAN as possible.
Anything complicated, even if it makes me more money, is going to quickly add up and add fatigue and resentment to my life… especially if it involves messing with tech.
This is one of the top ways I take care of myself as a neurodivergent business owner.
(2) Every single email I send is an education.
I am not humble about this. I have created close to 12 million dollars in sales over the past few years, and my #1 marketing tool is email. I have sky-high email open rates, and everything I do, I create a veritable frenzy of demand, whether it’s a freebie or a 5-figure program. I sell like a crazy mofo.
That doesn’t happen randomly.
If you think every email of mine isn’t an education, think again. Anyone who is considering working with me, or has already hired me, should be studying my emails. There’s always what I am explicitly transmitting , and what I am implicitly teaching by example.
All of it will help you grow, if you pay attention.
So, pay attention.
(3) I send all the emails to everyone (except those who opted out), because I don’t really want people staying on my email list unless they are DELIGHTED to receive every single email I send, and GRATEFUL to hear every word that comes out of my mouth.
Because I am a generous genius that offers more usefulness in an average email than most people will find in an average course they can pay for.
I only want to work with people who SEE that, and GET IT, and APPRECIATE IT.
I only want people staying on my email list if my name in their inbox feel like “OMG YAYYY!”
If not, no harm, no foul, you’re probably a wonderful person, love and best of luck to you… and staying on my email list is probably not the right fit for you. For now, at least.
You don’t have to do it this way.
But this is my way, and it has ons of money, meaningful connection and joy for me in my life and business.
Whether you’re selling services, or products, or fundraising for a cause, you‘re just trying to do one thing: GET SOMEONE TO PART WITH THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY.
It sounds weird when you put it like that, but that’s the truth.
When I market something to you, I’m essentially saying: gimme some of your money.
Does that make you uncomfortable?
Why?
An exchange of money is inherently morally neutral. It’s how and why we do it that makes something ethical or not.
And if we are committed to doing it ethically, we’re saying — and genuinely mean it when we say — your money will be better off in my pocket than yours, because what I give you in return is genuinely more valuable TO YOU than that.
And specific neurochemical processes must take place in order for someone to get there. I want you to know what they are.
I distilled it to 4 steps, and each step is a requirement for the next step.
Here we go. Grab a notebook and pen and take notes.
FIRST STEP: CONGRUENCE.
The very first step for creating unconscious influence is YOU being congruent. This is you saying what you mean. Your external presentation matching your inner truth. The way you show up truly reflecting your values.
People can subtly sense when someone is saying one thing but really means another. Congruence is when that’s NOT happpening.
Basically, being real and sincere. All ethical marketing must start here. If you miss this first step (as many people do), the rest of it falls apart.
SECOND STEP: RAPPORT
Once someone senses that you are congruent, they open up to be able to build rapport with you.
Rapport is “hmm, I feel connected to them. I feel like I can trust them. I want to lean in and get to know them more!”
This is also where a lot of marketing fails. People try to shove information about their products down people’s throats without ever having taken the time and effort to build trust + connection based on their congruence. Create rapport first, and then the rest can happen.
THIRD STEP: EXPLORATION AND EXPANSION
Once you’ve built rapport with someone, you have the opportunity to help them explore new possibilities,expand their knowledge, and change their thinking about something.
Like: “Hmm, I didn’t know that before!” “Wow, I never thought about it that way!” “Damn, that changes everything…”
This is where learning happens. This is where people download new possibilities and desires ino their brains. This phase of is necessary for the 4th and final step to take place, which is…
FOURTH STEP: MOTIVATION
This is where people can act on their newfound insight or desire.
“Wow, if that’s possible, of course I’ll try this product!” “If that person did it, so can I. I’m signing up for this program.” “If, for the price of a couple lattes, I can feed a dozen hungry kids, that’s a no brainer.”
If you can create exploration and expansion.. AND then if you know how to create compelling motivation to act NOW (not tomorrow, not “when I have more time,” not “when I have all my ducks in a row…”), you will be scary-effective in getting people to part with their money.
Motivation is actually pretty simple, neurochemistry-wise. It has to do with pleasure, the anticipation of reward and the avoidance of pain.
Once again, a lot of people fail because they try to create that motivation without having taken the time to create genuine exploration and expansion.
People try do do it without having built robust trust + connection.
People try to do it without a lick of congruence.
All of those efforts WILL fail.
AND it will often be unethical.
—
A lot of people over-focus on one or two of these steps above, and ignore the rest. (Check which ones you tend to focus on, and which you tend to neglect.)
A lot of people get the sequence of these steps mixed up (trying to create motivation in others without checking your own congruence, for example.)
A lot of people are vaguely aware that they have a deficiency in one or more of these steps, but they are lacking the pragmatic action steps that can bridge the gaps.
Rosé, cheese board, kimbap, and flaming Cheetos (because that combination is very much my personality.)
Just me and a dozen of my friends, and a handful of acquaintances that my friends brought, who have been vetted and are def aligning with the vibe.
The party is so fun. People are dancing in one corner — but not the kind of dance where you look cool and sexy, but the kind where the point is just to get goofy and silly together. Another group, on another side of the room, is playing Cards Against Humanity and exchanging very offensive jokes. Everyone has the same sense of humor, and is dying laughing.
And, in yet another corner, a couple other people are having a deep heart to heart. Tears AND laughter. Next to them, another pair of friends are having a philosophical discussion about the nature of ethics in multiverses.
I’m flitting from group to group, hugging friends, refilling their rosé glasses, and having the best time.
The house party guest list grows, but slowly. One person says, “oh man, this discussion is too good. i gotta invite my friend Chidi who is an ethics professor to this party. He’d LOVE to be here, and Simone would adore him. Lemme text him.”
this really IS the good place!
Another person says, “this game of Cards Against Humanity has me in stitches. I have a friend who has another edition of this game. I’m gonna call him and ask him to bring it over.”
Let me ask you.
Would YOU bring five hundred brand new unvetted guests flooding into this party in the next hour?
No, you would not.
My business has always been built from community, and that has always been QUALITY over quantity. When I say quality, I mean — people who “get” me, and each other. People who adore me, and each other.
People who share a common set of values, a common “language,” and even a common sense of humor (even if we are different in many important ways).
In a high quality community, there is (1) mutual trust and affection, (2) a strong sense of culture, and (3) high quality discussions.
That’s what makes communities fun, nourishing, resilient, and sustainable. I lose that… and I lose everything good about my business.
Can I grow in quality AND quantity? For sure. Can I do it fast? Not in a million years. It’s been this way since I was a tiny business working with just a handful of folks 1:1. And it’s still this way now.
And it ain’t never gonna change.
Any time I have a massive spike in audience numbers, I will always be watching carefully and making moves to “temper and cull” so I can control for quality, and safeguard the culture.
As the party host, the worst thing I can do is (1) cease to have fun at my own party, and (2) make my existing guests feel like there is no longer a place for them. And slow, organic, incremental growth is an essential measure for both.
This is the way I think about audience growth as well as adding people to my paid programs. I have zero desire to “blow up” and actively do not want it. Now you know why.
These are decisions I have made, and continue to make.
(1) My intuition, spiritual downloads and moment-to-moment attuning to body wisdom will ALWAYS trump “strategy.”
(2) I am NEVER going to corporatize my business or replace heart and humanity with capitalism-“efficient” systems.
(3) I am NEVER going to “grow up”and be “serious.”
(4) There is nothing too big, too established, too “successful” that I can’t break if it stops being congruent for me.
(5) I turn down all paying opportunities, invitations and collaborations that I wouldn’t be thrilled to do for free.
(6) I stay in radical awareness of what my brain wants me to hustle for (money, approval, power, influence, etc); what I hustle for has the power to corrupt my values.
I love being well-paid. I believe an angel gains a wing every time a practitioner with real skills gets paid handsomely. I often talk people into charge more.
AND here are some terrible reasons to raise your price.
1.“That’s what other people are doing.”
So what? You have no idea if they’re even selling successfully at that price. Higher prices does NOT mean someone’s making more money (take it from me, who coaches people everyday who are struggling AF to sell high ticket offers.)
Also, there’s a lot of gross industry practices that feed on evaluating the worthiness/readiness of clients based on how much they’re able to pay, thereby jacking up average prices. That’s… fucked. Just because it’s a common practice, doesn’t mean you have to jump on board.
2. “I can work less and make more money.”
This is sometimes a valid reason. But it is a bad reason if it’s the PRIMARY reason you’re raising your rates. Your clients shouldn’t have to pay more just because you don’t feel like working.
And moreover, this concerns me because it is literally bad for business — as in, it will slow down your business growth.
When you’re not rock-solid in your skills and demand, and you try to “charge more so I can work less” now, that’s trading the ILLUSION of “more cash now” for the reality of a robustly profitable business later.
3.“Because I’m worth it.”
My love, I know you’re worth it. A hundred times over. That’s not in question.
Your pricing is NOT a representation of your worth, or the value of working with you, both of which are infinite.
Your price is determined by the intersection of (1) how good you are at your job, and (2) the demand for your services that is created by your reputation.
I don’t care if you do a better job helping people than Tony Robbins. He’s worked his whole life to build a reputation, so he has more demand.
Want demand?
Go out, carry yourself like a professional, be confident, kind, honest, and generous, and benefit many people as possible with what you know how to do.
If you keep the focus on doing that, your reputation (and therefore demand) will take care of itself. And raising your prices will be a no-brainer.
4.“Because I already invested so much in myself and I want my business to pay off already.”
This is gonna sound harsh, but I say this with love: you clients don’t give a shit how much you invested in.
And they most definitely did NOT ask for the responsibility to solve your finances.
This is a self-serving reason which will ultimately show up as a weird energetic incongruence that will subtly repel clients no matter how hard you market.
5.“Because I CAN (also known as: because people will pay it, because I can get away with it)”
This, too, is sometimes a valid reason. Sometimes, you should absolutely charge something because you can.
I’ve worked incredibly hard over the years to create a ginormous body of work that gives outsize value to tens of thousands of people weekly. An hour of my time now is much more valuable than it was, say, 5 years ago… and I will charge handsomely for anything that requires my time and energy.
If you have high-end “luxury” type positioning, and have a proven track record of correspondingly high quality of client results to back it up, it makes sense to charge a lot.
(And I love luxury, I believe there is a place in the world for fine, exquisitely-crafted, highest-quality, expensive things, and will always advocate for its existence and defend it.)
But also, there is such a thing as a self-serving price hike. Whatever that douche pharma bro’s name was… he charged a gazillion dollars for a lifesaving drug because he “could,” cutting off access to people who would get sick and die without it.
Granted, that’s an extreme example. Nobody will get sick or die because they couldn’t buy life coaching, for example.
(Okay, that’s debatable… but you know what I mean. If you try to equate coaching with an essential diabetes drug, you are also a douche.)
But, to avoid going down a sketchy slippery slope, you want to be mindful of (1) making the price reflective of actual VALUE delivered, and (2) not having your price be a giant middle finger to people who WOULD be good fits for what you have, and would suffer without access.
In the end, at some level all pricing is arbitrary, this is your personal decision, and no one else can tell you what the right number is.
I’m always incredibly wary of all morality police…
… and I’m even more wary of those who associate “goodness” with financial martyrdom, and think people in any helping profession should get by with as little as possible. I have always argued that this is actually an insidious form of sexist oppression, as “helping professions” tend to be women-dominated. Fuck that. I love being financially comfortable and want you to be the same.
But the point is this: we’ll all be better off when pricing, in some way, remains tethered to actual value and the realities of the people the product is meant to serve, and isn’t a giant “fuck you” to the majority of the world.
