Wanna know one of my secret weapons against shame?
It works like a charm.
And I almost never see it discussed.
It’s this.
Low expectations.
Wait what?
Let me explain.
I think, in the Western world — though this phenomenon is not unique to the West, I think it is particularly salient here — people are constantly fed a steady stream of “the myth of human perfectibility.”
I think it comes from Christianity — or the way Christianity has become distorted, depending on whom you ask — with all its obsession with goodness and purity and achieving salvation from our natural state of ‘sinfulness’.
The idea that the human being ought to be perfected, and that we can achieve this through doing enough of the right things, or believing enough in the right things… is one to question.
When you think perfection/purity is attainable, and that it must be attained by doing/believing “correctly,” life is a constant stressful battle.
Because we will always run into our own shortcomings, weaknesses, and failure.
No human being — save for psychopaths or narcissists — is immune from the constant experience of facing all that is imperfect about us.
But I have a very different view of humanity, and therefore myself.
I take it for granted that I’m not that great.
There are big parts of me that are insecure, angry, entitled, hypocritical, craven, selfish, resentful, greedy, and just plain stupid.
(Before you say “Simone don’t call yourself stupid!,” here’s a simple but good example: have I drunk-driven? Yes. Fucking stupid. I don’t do it anymore but I do other, maybe equally stupid things from time to time.)
And these parts of me are not going away no matter how hard I try because I am human.
Therefore, I have created, and will continue to create scenarios in which I’m the idiot, I’m the weak link, and I’m the cause of pain for myself and others.
If I forget or deny these aspects of myself for a long time, something will happen in life that remind me and humble me.
And I say NONE of this with shame, or out of self-hatred or smallness.
Humans are profoundly paradoxical. At the same time that I am all these unpleasant things, I am also brilliant, generous, kind, wise, delightful, an awe-inspiring spark of unspeakable love and beauty.
I believe in ALL OF THE ABOVE at the same time.
See? Paradox. Humans contain the entire mind-boggling complexity of the universe. That’s what’s so wonderful and terrible about us.
But because I embrace the full spectrum of the paradox of humanity, I am not surprised by all the shitty parts of me, and my life.
I have thought, felt, and done things in the past that are so unwise, short-sighted, immature, and/or hateful that they created enormous shame for myself which I’ve never talked about with any other human being, let alone the public.
The understanding that this is not a unique thing that is happening to ME and ME only, and that the searing burn of facing one’s own profound shortcoming is a universal HUMAN experience, is what allowed me to let go of the shame.
This is how low expectations (a.k.a. “i was never supposed to be that great anyway”) freed me.
Because shame says “YOU are bad.”
And the truth is, being human just includes a lot that feels really bad. Even that person who you think is so perfect and has all their shit together and just glides through life… has their own share of unspeakable pain about their own fallibility and shortcomings that you’ll never know about.
It’s not personal.
That is enormously important to know.
I’m not above profoundly hurting other people. Because that’s a feature of being human.
I’m not above humiliating, dirt-in-my-teeth failure. Because that’s a feature of being human.
I’m not above making stupendously bad decisions — like, again and again. Because that’s a feature of being human. (There’s never, ever a point in which you permanently graduate from that for as long as you’re alive.)
These are somber, sobering truths. But it’s much better to contend with somber, sobering truths than the life-annihilating lie of shame.
Also, it is vitally important to remind myself — aggressively and vigorously sometimes — of the full weight of the OPPOSITE truth, of my goodness, beauty, brilliance, preciousness, etc.
I do this specifically and insistently.
I seek out people and spaces that make it easy for me to embody that awareness.
If you don’t balance both ends of the paradox, not only do you just get depressed, you also move away from the fundamental truth of your existence.
Another important point: the drama of dealing with shame is intensified when you’re neurodivergent, sensitive, struggle with mental health, and/or have some kind of circumstance/identity that lands you in the margins of society (like being poor or trans, etc).
Though no one is immune to the pain of Being Alive While Imperfect, it certainly is easier to pad yourself against the full awareness or full consequences of your “crunchy” sides when you have a lot of unearned advantages. (Like… for example, making mistakes while being poor and Black is a lot more ‘expensive’ than making mistakes when you’re wealthy and white. Obviously.)
That’s another thing to factor in when you’re dealing with shame. There are structural, systemic forces that determine how much “raw material” of shit you’re given to work through.
I am a vagina-owner, a person of color and descendant of colonized people, and have an ADHD brain that is prone to anxiety and depression. That means I have a lot of easy shame-triggers.
It’s like, I got the “harder” level of the same video game that a lot of other people got. But I am acutely aware that also, many many other people have to play way, way harder levels because they don’t have the privileges i do.
I’m posting this because recently, I’ve been talking to some folks about the feeling of overwhelming shame they feel about their financial circumstances.
It’s not just the stress and grief of dealing with financial precariousness. It’s the shame of “IT’S MY FAULT, I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF, I SHOULD HAVE ____ AND SHOULDN’T HAVE ____, HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID.”
That’s what really kills.
But, I offer you… why should you have “known”? Why should you have “done better”?
You are not superhuman or God. You do not have perfect foresight, knowledge or willpower. You do not have infinite reserves of energy, creativity and wisdom. NO ONE DOES. Those features don’t come installed in the human package.
You are fallible and the world isn’t necessarily set up to help everyone feel safe and secure. In fact, many would argue that it’s actively rigged to fuck a lot of people over.
It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you.
At least, it’s not uniquely you.
Having this awareness doesn’t solve everything. But it certainly helps to lighten the emotional load. And sometimes, that counts for a lot.
Because shame sucks.
And you deserve to have your load lightened.
I don’t even think it’s technically true to say that everyone is doing their best, and therefore YOU were doing your best…
But I also think NOT always having the capacity to “do your best” IS part of us trying to do our best.
Life is hard.
You deserve grace.
You deserve the most compassionate and affirming narratives about the painful stuff in your life.
You deserve infinite second chances.
You deserve to feel like your existence is deeply good and that you matter profoundly.
Because you are, and you do.