For nearly 15 years, I’ve called myself a coach.
I have trained, taught, and yes, coached coaches.
For the longest time, I had the purest love for it.
And I am leaving this world behind.
I wanted to talk about why.
Let’s zoom out a little bit.
And take a look at historical context.
The whole field, and construct, of coaching couldn’t exist without psychology and psychotherapy having come first.
Coaching, like psychotherapy, is a complicated field.
It’s complicated because, in the Western world, these are often the only options someone has to get help when they’re in pain.
This is not a small thing. Because there is a lot of pain in the Western world.
And they couldn’t have survived this far if they didn’t sometimes work, and work vitally and profoundly.
I have said this before, and I am happy to repeat this: I credit people who call themselves coaches with saving my life. They really did. And I know I am far from alone.
Many therapists and coaches do literally life-saving work. (And many others don’t do much, and many others yet do quite the opposite.)
The fields of both therapy and coaching are sometimes self-selected into by people who are selfless, compassionate, and profoundly moved by the suffering of other humans. Other times, not so much.
Sometimes, the practitioners of therapy or coaching are incredibly skilled at their craft. Other times, not so much.
For many who are genuinely skilled, their dedication to it comes way before their desire for money or status, if they care for those things at all. I know both coaches and therapists who basically live like ascetics, and are content with their lives just helping people.
To make black & white generalization about either of these fields is difficult.
These fields do a lot of good. And they do some not-good.
Because I experienced firsthand so much of good in it, and met some of the most generous and kind-hearted people in it (including so many of my teachers, colleagues and clients), I carried the torch for it and defended it for as long as I did.
But over the past few years, it has become increasingly difficult to do so, as I learned more history, reflected on the realities of the world, and delved deeper into my own spiritual roots.
Doing even the smallest amount of research into the roots of Western psychiatry and psychotherapy is to be horrified by its racism, colonialism, and violence.
Perhaps even more horrifying to contemplate than the violence that is visible for all to see is the violence of what has been cleanly erased, exterminated, wiped off the map, to make for the advancement of these Western institutions.
What has been erased can’t make sounds.
(The sounds of my great-grandmother throwing a knife at the door to cast out wayward spirits. The sounds of grandmother rattling her shaman’s bells.)
It is from the “clean slate” of this erasure that the field of coaching is born, breathless with the promise of 20th century, Cold War-era, American capitalism:
YOU can get rich. YOU can be hot. YOU can be happy. YOU can hack your way out of aging, unhappiness, and loneliness.
All you need to do is to improve yourself. Let us show you how! Here’s where to make the deposit.
Both coaching and therapy were created, popularized, and represented — still — at the highest levels by white people (mostly men), in post-colonial, post-industrial times, growing in conjunction with capitalism, with the centers of intellectual influence coinciding with global centers of economic and military power (e.g.US, Western Europe.)
In the big scheme of things, I’m small fish, swimming in small waters. And from my view, I have come to see how this shows up in every crevice of what I could observe.
(1) The fact that there is almost no coaching “practice” that hasn’t been appropriated, multiple times over, from an indigenous tradition.
Borrowing and adaption between cultures is entirely normal and healthy.
An utter lack of acknowledgment or crediting because of the enormous power differential between cultures, no sense of right relationship, and no appropriate sense of how to be in relationship with lineage… is another.
Take, for example, the Eastern practice of “mindfulness” — the idea of observing your own thoughts from a neutral place. This was never, ever meant to be in service of individual happiness, productivity, and wealth. And in Eastern traditions, it was always, always grounded in the necessity of moral action and serving the needs of the community.
I could give a hundred other examples.
(2) The way that default coaching “goals” and aspirations fit so snugly with capitalist values that are destroying the Earth
The quickest and easiest possible accumulation of individual wealth, growth at all cost, the celebration of consumerism, individual happiness (an oxymoron), what I call the “Amazon Next Day Delivery” approach to inner peace and contentment…
… a compartmentalized vision of “wellness”, productivity, an ideal of physical beauty that Hitler would salivate over (Aryan-blonde, blue-eyed, slim, youthful and fertile)…
(3) And, as a corollary, a pathological avoidance of things that are decidedly NOT capitalism-friendly
Slowness, aging, pain, illness, decay, illness, loss, darkness, silence, liminality — all things that were honored, and considered to contain inherent value and wisdom by Indigenous traditions.
(4) The fact that the vast majority of coaching businesses do not even make passing references to systemic and collective issues, and, in fact, go out of their way to avoid them.
Because it’s “unprofessional.” “Irrelevant.” “Low vibrations.” “Divisive.”
And, ultimately, “bad for business.”
(5) The dire lack of eldership — despite the overabundance of self-professed “experts.”
All of the above contribute to an environment in which enormous sum of money are always being cycled through while the collective is, somehow, becoming more and more impoverished both materially and spiritually.
There was a moment when I clearly saw that the work of “redeeming” or “changing the system from the inside” was an illusion.
That’s when I knew: I was out.
… human interdependence and cooperation, rather than individualism and commodification must be at the heart of the psychology of liberation, which should be about empowering people to change institutions and radically transform social structures, rather than adjusting and submitting to the status quo while making a profit. — Hamza Hamouchene
A friend asked me what I would call myself, if I am no longer calling myself a coach of any kind.
My answer was simple; HUMAN.
Because, that, I am.
You may call me teacher, as I intend to go on teaching. Oh, there is so much to teach.
If you still want to call me a coach, that is okay, too. I am not offended. It is a name I was proud to go by for many years, and I am okay to still be called it. It is part of my makeup and lineage.
If you want to know what self-cultivation and healing looks like outside of the broken cultures and institutions of the Western world, read books by people like Malidona Patrice Somé, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Thich Nhat Hanh, Robin Wall Kimmerer, Tyson Yunkaporta, Cole Arthur Riley, Tricia Hersey, Tamela J. Gordon.
The list could be miles and miles long. These are some names I could throw off the top of my head, just the tip of the tip of the tip of the iceberg.
There’s no moral purity here.
I collude with white supremacy and capitalism by virtue of being alive in 2024, despite ongoing experiments to more responsibly steward what I can.
We’re all wrestling with complicated history and constructs and doing our best.
There are coaches of color doing groundbreaking work, and white coaches who are actually radical activists in disguise, doing some of the most courageous work I know. (I bow down to you.)
Coach, Schmoach, whatever… these are just words.
We will be known by the seeds we sow in the world, not what it says on our business card (or, nowadays, Instagram bio, I guess).
Whatever you call yourself, I don’t care.
If you take the time to hang out with me, read my words, and find my thinking useful, I am grateful to you. And you are warmly welcome in my world, always.
Your words here are so clear and beautiful Simone. What a lovely way you have of inviting others to walk alongside you as you share your insights. I look forward to continuing to learn from you x
I love you sis, your courage, your example. Beautifully put.
This is timely as I just completed a professional coaching certification on Monday along with the fact that Pluto is leaving Capricorn on the 19th and entering Aquarius for the next 20 years. You better believe that I will be following you and holding your words close to my heart!
Thank you for being you.
I see you here, human, Simone. Thank you.
I love this so much. Even though I’m Indian, my understanding of mindfulness is shaped by the Western world, I came to it via dan Harris’ 10% Happier and then I made it my own, in so far as one can reinvent the wheel, and call it one’s own!
I teach it now, and I have resisted SO HARD calls to link it to productivity and bliss and serenity. I appreciate this perspective from you so much.
So so happy to be here reading your words.
As usual, they are illuminating what my subconscious has been trying to tell me for a long time.
And it feels like coming home to my own heart and settling by the fire with a cup of tea.
(This comment is about all of your blog posts, including this one).
Teacher truly fits. Especially as you have been peeling back the layers within yourself and sharing. I keep returning to The Healing Wisdom of Africa by Malidoma Patrice Some to read a few pages at a time. So I can sit with it. It blows my mind as I’ve been quietly desiring the same and want to be and move within my own roots. I appreciate how you’re creating your own path.
So much of this resonates. I have finally found an elder. Her body is failing, but her mind is sharp and her spirit is present and wise. She has lots of time and emotional energy for listening, and selects only the few, most potent words and images to share with me. It’s a win-win when I go visit her and sit with her and absorb her energy, and it feels fucked up, honestly, for me to be coaching: I’m the prime of my life, with a strong body and a kid to provide for. to be charging someone to sit and hold space for them when it could, in theory, be done so much better by someone older doesn’t feel sustainable. And I will do it even better when I am older. And I probably won’t need to charge for it then either.
…and also, most of the old people in my world are not elders. They are emotionally immature consumers. Zombies. I’m a wiser, more discerning and safe space-holder than they are and that is a huge grief to me.
I’m also feeling emboldened to just move toward what I want… even if it doesn’t make a lot of practical sense or feels indulgent or frivolous (like reading lots of novels or foraging for mushrooms or spending a huge (for me) chunk of money on a special wood stove and chimney)
This, this, this. Thank you!
Appreciate your take on this, Simone. I just left my position in “the industry” as a coaching instructor for similar reasons. No easy answers for sure, but these are the questions I’ve been asking myself as well.
Here’s to the “what next”.
Love to read your thoughts in the form of a blog
Love these words especially the slower aging darkness list. Depth is magical and while I do still use the word coach really I’m an artist interested in those spaces. And navigating those. I don’t really have a word for what I do. Perhaps teacher and guide is better. Either way last year a younger blonder prettier student of mine copied my workshop idea and began teaching in the same venue. Even using photos of my art workshops on her website. She looks cute and does great reels. And I felt so usurped. I don’t want to stop her. But it felt horrible. And when I tried to talk to her about it she blocked me because she didn’t “like my energy.” It made me think deeply about what I have to offer. And I am not that instagram friendly pretty girl artist. And so have been on a journey into all the words that are not acceptable to that love & light energy. So. Yes. I’m here for it all. In particular for depth. And the whole spectrum. Because love and light are good but without depth and darkness they are shallow and less meaningful.
Hi Simone!
Hi Femke!
I think this puts words and articulation to a general feeling of ‘ick’ I was having at a deep core level about my coaching business, and why I am now training to be a high-school teacher. Thankyou. Also, high-fives for bringing blogging back. I’ve been thinking about this too. I feel less and less like I want to pursue deep thoughtful pieces through the various social media channels. It’s kind of nicer-feeling to simply subscribe to the folks whose writing you love. It’s old school, but I love it. Thanks again. Also also: Sending lots of love and hugs. I miss hanging out in your online world(s) but I’m stoked to be able to connect here. ❤️
What you’ve created can’t be uncreated. I continue to enjoy your journey my friend.
I understand you so much, Simone. I don’t call what I do coaching. I’m neither a coach, nor a therapist. What I call myself is a poem, a story, a song. I do what I from a place of artistry. I see myself as an artist. That’s what I feel most comfortable calling myself but I’ve never felt comfortable calling myself a coach, even though I’ve had wonderful coaches and it is a coach who has allowed me to give myself permission to offer sessions. I call them embodied learning. How can we return to our inner wisdom? How can we go beyond consuming content and regurgitating facts about the horrible tragedies of the world to actually knowing what to do with all of that information and how to be? I have a BIPoC group for decolonizing therapy, community care and magic here in Vienna, Austria. It’s been slow, gentle and I do what I do completely for free for my community. The sessions I offer are partially also free for BIPoC and/or queer folx. Or just people who cannot afford it. I’m constantly listening to my body and tuning in to what feels right. 100€ a session feels like a lot to me. However, I also know people who charge way more. I’ve realized and noticed that people who undercharge constantly struggle financially and are not able to show up for their communities as expensively. There’s an energy of financial anxiety around what they offer. So, I’m trying to live with the paradoxes, as I’ve beautifully learned from you. I’m still listening to every episode of your podcast before you delete it. Gathering all the wisdom I can get and decolonizing it in the process. I completely honor your process to shape shift. I’m looking forward to everything you do but also I honor if you simply wanna be: human. xoxo
Ups I’ve had a typo. I wrote “expensively” instead of “expansively”. Well, gives me lots to think about. What does it mean to show up expensively vs. expansively? And I’ve just noticed it wasn’t actually a typo but auto-correct. Wow. This techno-driven world truly doesn’t want our expanisveness but rather our expensiveness….
We will be known by the seeds we sow in the world, not what it says on our business card
Simone, you are sowing very good seeds ❤️ Thank you!
Hi Simone,
Thank you for your words.
The day I have started to learn how to coach I knew deeply in my heart that there was something wrong.
the more I ditched into the coaching industry the more it felt not right.
Why always wanting to capitalize, get the money out of what can be listening and wisdom…
I have giving up coaching because what I saw in the industry was no longer aligned with what I wanted to bring to the world.
Your word are explaining what I always thought but could not be able to explain.
Thank you for this
This whole Blog is bending my mind and giving me a fresh perspective. It feels like truth.
I wonder if I could invite you to give another example like mindfulness.
Thank you teacher !
YAY BLOGS let us go back to a simpler time. IG reels and posts are cool and impressive and beautiful but frankly indigestible in the quick hit dopamine sea that has me zooming along saving posts for “later” and moving on to the next one.. like scarfing down chips and candy bars. BLOG POSTS are like library books in comparison (or at least sitting down in a regular restaraunt and enjoying a leisurely quesadilla or sandwich or some sort. Much more nourishing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Beautiful wisdom in this post and all the comments. Deeply grateful for these reflections that mirror my unarticulated yet deeply felt sense of always being a little off in this world, and not having words to explain.
Thank you for this, Simone. You are truly an inspiration and a leader (because you lead by example).
I’m starting my coaching business from the purest desire of helping women not get to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts I once got. But there is so much of this industry I do not resonate with.
My hope is to find a way that feels in integrity for me.
Love reading your blog
Have you read The Manufacture of Madness by Thomas Szasz?
No, should I???
By way of thanks, I’ll offer the following book recommendation as a reply, The Death and Resurrection Show by Rogan P Taylor if interested / haven’t heard of it (hard to get in print so pdf copies can be accessed free via book libraries online / online book sharing services).
In the context of the kinds of topics coming up in the blog / recent IG posts (last year or so) it is relevant as I see (in my view, thoughts out loud) social media as a big show and tell experience and anyone putting on a show (that informs, entertains, inspires, moves, comforts and so on) has the opportunity to perform rituals, that based on the book have their roots in Shamanism (I’ve read snippets and overview) and are in their essence shamanic taking viewers on a journey transforming them in the process and the book centres around the music and entertainment industry.
Fascinating! I’ll check that out. Thank you for the thoughtful recommendation
I’ll add two other books to this list: Women and Madness by Phillis Chesler, and the latest from Kate Moore, The Woman They Could Not Silence. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate reading about the egregious sexism in psychiatry if I didn’t need to do so for research.
I’m writing a novel inspired by family history: My great-grandmother and great-aunt were both committed to the same “insane asylum” (I use those arcane words for effect) in New Jersey. Both were accused of sexual impropriety. No one ever heard from them again.
One of the many redemptive aspects of this project is that I found my great-grandmother’s unmarked grave in a “potter’s field.” I’m now in the process of installing a grave marker in her honor.
Tearing off a chunk of your words like homemade crusty bread and having a good long chew. Sore jaw muscles but very happy heart. Will ponder more the sobriety and the beauty you expressed ❤️
You are a teacher. And a writer. And a way shower. Labels, still, but perhaps more resonant.
Carry on!
I’ve struggled with the construct of coaching and word “coach” for years for exactly the reasons you’ve outlined. Blocking and tackling to get “more” or be a certain way – skinny, rich, whatever – isn’t ever what I sensed the true need to be. In fact the pursuit of it takes us further from that need. I’ve struggled to build a following outside of corporate assignments, but my heart and my spirit just keep telling me to continue, to have faith, and that the people receptive to deeper work, to slow work, to quiet work, to wisdom cultivation will arrive. Thank you for adding to this chorus.
It’s funny because just this week I was telling my partner about you and why I thought you may be the “perfect coach “ for them. Thank you for sharing your journey and your curiosity. I’m glad you included the word “divisive “— that’s the one that sticks me! Also the thought that recognizing injustices is “fear based”.
Thank you for your independent thinking on this. I’ll continue to read your blog for its distinctly non-mainstream point of view. A few thoughts of my own:
I’m a 53-year-old white male, a husband of 30 years, and father to five sons. I’ve spent my entire career trying to be “enough” for my kids and wife, earn “enough” in the marketing industry, and prove myself “worthy” enough in the Mormon church. Five years ago, I gave up. I screamed at the universe to “fuck off” and accepted that I wasn’t enough. Coaching helped me climb out of that hole.
Now, I find it very hard to show up in my profession with any passion. Helping jerks sell products I don’t care about feels like I’m just part of the problem. I feel called to help men who are going through a faith transition, disillusioned with their careers, lonely, and struggling. I trained as a psychedelic therapy practitioner, which has been incredible. I’m considering getting certified as a coach, but I can relate to the “ick” factor you describe here. I’m embarrassed to say out loud that I’d like to become a coach because it sounds so cliche.
I want to spend the rest of my life helping others—to be a force for good, bring men together, help them shed their shame, become more openly loving, and find community and connection. But I don’t have the luxury of passive income; I need to earn a living while doing this.
Do you have any advice for me?
I do have advice. Mind if I respond through a blog post, quoting your comment?
That would be great!
Thank you for always being an example for coming back to yourself again and again to explore what it means to be a leader who models the meaning of “do better” in a way that doesn’t morally shame where someone is on their own journey with this process. I haven’t been as involved in HOME, as I have been focused more internally and doing 1:1 work with Billy…but I am eternally grateful to the Seol’s for teaching more humane ways of operating in an inhumane world with permission slips for grace in the process. Rooting for you always Simone!
I am a therapist. I have known these truths for a long time. I have not known how to bring my own form of healing to the world. Your words deeply moved me to look within. It gave me hope about this therapy work we call healing.
I really appreciate you and this new evolution of your work.
Thank you for teaching us. Thank you for reminding us of our humanity, our interconnectedness and the reason so many of us became coaches. Thank you for bearing a torch and letting us follow your lead.